Doing Things is What I Like to Do

I am productive by nature. One of my favorite things to do is create “to do” lists and my second favorite thing to do is check things off once they’re completed. Some might characterize this kind of behavior as uncool, but being this way has helped me in just about every aspect of my life from school to work to home. I simply love the feeling of accomplishment.

Since I’ve been home with Caroline, however, I’ve realized that in some instances, there are more important things than being productive. More than once, I’ve found myself running around the house hypnotized in that familiar “on a mission” state and the sight of my little girl playing on the floor stops me dead in my tracks. I often struggle with giving Caroline ample time to learn to be content playing independently, but that’s another topic for another time. I have to ask myself; is doing the laundry, sweeping the floor etc. more important thank soaking in every ounce of joy that I get from watching my little girl play? I’m lured onto the floor before I’m even finished with the question. Without a doubt, I have mastered the art of enjoying my child and have adapted to a lifestyle of many unchecked to do lists.

Once Caroline falls asleep, my productive side comes back to haunt me. It reminds me not only of the daily tasks that I haven’t yet completed to maintain the house and keep our lives running smoothly, but also all of the things I have yet to teach Caroline. My mind flashes back to the two hours I just spent babbling nonsense and kissing her every limb and my stress level rises through the roof. There is so much she needs to learn; before she can opt to crawl or run away from me, before she goes to kindergarten, before she becomes a teenager and decides she’d rather eat live worms than listen to her parents (actually, with an ultimatum like that, I might have listened to my parents). Being her teacher is a role I have overlooked until now and I’m scared that I’m not qualified to handle a job so large and so very important. What makes it worse is knowing that too soon, I will not have control of how Caroline spends every minute of every day. She will be going to play over friends’ houses, she will go to school where others will be teaching her, she will be exposed to both good and evil in the world and she will need to make decisions on her own.

It is time to surrender myself to my old ways and get my “to do list” started for teaching Caroline everything I know about being a good person, being a wise person, and provide her the tools necessary for living a happy life. This is not a list I foresee making many check marks on as its tasks will require lifelong effort, but having some sort of map to guide me is a start!