The Temptations of Working Again

My boss called me the other day, asking if I’d consider working on a special project for the next few months that I could do while at home. When I heard the words “accommodate my mommy schedule” I became absolutely giddy. I was thrilled at the thoughts of having it all; my career, a little extra money and still being able to stay at home with Caroline.

Of course it turned out too good to be true. “Accommodating my schedule” in the very next conversation became “you’d only need to come in 20-30 hours a week.” With that rush of adrenaline still pumping through my veins, I quickly brainstormed my childcare options. Logistically, nothing seemed to make sense. My family lives an hour or so from my house and my company a good distance from there. I was also surprised by the reaction when discussing the opportunity with my mom, who works part-time. She didn’t seem willing to give up her days off to help out, which I realize now was a blessing in disguise. After that conversation, the adrenaline had evaporated and I realized that this just wasn’t going to work.

I felt terrible turning down the opportunity, as if I was hurting someone’s feelings. I was flattered to be considered for the project and want nothing but to be the person that comes to mind any time an opportunity like this comes up again. I found myself in the same struggle I was in while pregnant and deciding whether or not to stay home. Why I go to such great lengths to say yes when something clearly isn’t under my own terms, I just don’t know. I have to keep reminding myself that the most important consideration in this is Caroline. Her needs should undoubtedly come before my company’s. Sure, the extra money would be nice. But the price that would justify the additional stress on our family and questioning how my devoting attention elsewhere would affect Caroline, I wouldn't even be able to put a number to.

Caroline's Input

Caroline taught me a valuable lesson the other day. I have a feeling she wasn’t happy with the ‘mother knows all’ attitude I may have expressed in my previous entry. After what seemed like an entire day of crying, I learned that knowing your baby and being able to soothe her are two completely different things. I also learned:

1) Sometimes babies just need to cry. When they are fed, changed and you’re certain they aren’t sick, all you can do is keep trying to comfort them. I hope with that mentality, Caroline will grow to realize that I will always be there for her when she’s upset.

2) I have never been as thankful as I was the other day that we can afford for me to stay home with my baby. I was surprised at how calm I was with a baby screaming in my ear all day long. I definitely did not have this gift of patience when I was 14 years old and had my first babysitting job and I can’t imagine anyone else being so at ease with my screaming child.

3) In my mind, patience the key quality that I believe will help me to be a good parent. I think it is critical to take the time, whether it’s one second or a matter of days, to decide what the appropriate reaction is in every situation. If I can continually have patience with my children, no matter how hard they work to get on my last nerve, I think it will help them to handle their own emotions.

When the day was over and Caroline was finally calm, it was my turn to break down in tears for just a moment. I did everything I could to stay strong for her when she needed me. Once I knew she was okay, I began to realize how emotionally tolling and tiring the day was on me. I sat in bed that night feeling thankful that I had the strength in me to handle the day the way I did for Caroline’s sake. I also prayed that I might be rewarded with a few solid hours of sleep!

A Mother's Best Resource

If I were to create a game show, it would be similar to the Newlywed Game, but the contestants would be new mothers and their babies. I imagine three new mothers running around blindfolded in a room full of crying babies, the challenge being who can find their own little sweet pea the fastest. Or perhaps the mothers would view a slideshow of facial expressions their baby has made and compete on how many they could correctly interpret. My guess is that these kinds of challenges would not be too difficult for any new mom to master. It is amazing at how quickly we learn so much about another person who cannot even verbally communicate what it is they want or need from us.

From the moment they are born, it’s a mother’s natural instinct to keep her child as happy and as comfortable as humanly possible. In the beginning, the stress of hearing your baby make the slightest cry is enough to make your blood pressure skyrocket. The first couple of weeks feel like boot camp for getting to know your little one as quickly and thoroughly as possible. You try everything you can think of to stop their tears and make them happy.

I can remember sitting in the hospital bed just hours after giving birth. The nurse came in to give Caroline her first bath, which she seemed to like. Perhaps delivering her in the bathtub would give her a sense of comfort in the water, I thought. But then the bath was over and she burst into tears while the nurse dried her tiny body off. At the same moment, my mother and mother-in-law, as if it was the obvious thing to do, ran across the room to grab their cameras. The nurse combed Caroline’s hair up into a spiky do, which made the mothers’ chuckle even more as they snapped away for what seemed like an hour. I sat, gripping the side of the bed, struggling to take a full breath. All I wanted to do at that moment was take my baby into my arms and comfort her. I understand the humor in the situation now, but at the time, I was completely traumatized not being able to comfort my baby the first time she became upset.

Instincts like these, so powerful and so consuming, seem to live within us the moment we give birth. Using a little common sense, listening to that voice deep within us, and paying close attention to those signals our baby gives us is really all that’s needed to take care of them 99% of the time. I laugh as I look over at the pile of books about caring for a baby collected during the course of my pregnancy. Each one answers questions that I have already figured out on my own. I also have to remind myself each time my mother, sister-in-law, or anyone else who tells me what my baby needs or wants, though it is with the best of intentions, that no one knows her like I do.

Becoming A Stay-At-Home Mom

I decided starting a blog would encourage me to write about this wonderful time in my life that I know I will enjoy reading about when my children are grown. I’m also interested in finding out if anyone feels like I do, that the transition from career woman to stay-at-home mom is more of a shock than they ever anticipated.

Having a baby and becoming a mother should be one of the most natural stages in life, right? Isn’t procreating what we were all put on the earth to do? My mother, who began having children in the sixties, speaks as though it was the only thing she ever dreamed of doing. My guess is that the transition into stay-at-home mom was much easier for her. The million questions I had to ask myself like who should take care of our children, is the timing right, and how taking a few years off will affect my career were simply not crowding her mind. I feel as though my generation has been taught to make decisions about the future with only college and a career in mind. This is exactly what I did until the faint second line on pregnancy test #4 was still making an appearance. Having a family was simply never part of the discussions in high school with guidance counselors, teachers or parents when deciding what kind of future we wanted to have. As a result, I chose a profession that I do love, but that it is not easy for me to pursue part-time or work from home so I can care for my baby too. Had I factored in having a family before choosing a major in college, I might have pursued a career where the hours are more flexible so I could work nights or moved to a country where maternity leave is paid for one to three years versus six short weeks.

So as the parent with the smaller salary, here I am, settling into my new role with my two-month old daughter Caroline. On one hand, I am extremely fearful of what taking a few years off will do to my career. On the other hand, I can’t imagine anyone who isn’t totally head-over-heels in love with my little girl, like I am, taking care of her every day. Adjusting to this life was and is not an easy thing for a high energy control freak like myself. It is a much slower pace than I have ever been used to, which I’m sure will change when those tiny legs become mobile. And life is easier now that I have surrendered to my new boss, whose smile alone is worth countless sleepless nights and endless hours of nursing.