On My Own

It's week two of Chris being back at work. Things have been going well. I've ventured out a couple of times on my own with the two kids, but have since been hanging low around the house. I felt like I needed to go out right away so fear wouldn't build up over it, however, I don't have enough control over nursing yet to feel like it's worth it. Ellis still has an unpredictable feeding schedule during the day and when he does eat, he eats slow and seems to unlatch quite frequently so we're both covered in milk afterwards. Nursing discretely is just not an option many times.

The two places we've been to are the Wampatuck State Park and the mall. I thought the park was a good first choice because hardly anyone, besides a few bikers passing by, is ever there and I figured Caroline could run around without getting into too much trouble. Of course, the day I went the high school boys track team was jogging by as I was struggling nursing Ellis and Caroline found a bunch of buckets of catepillar eggs some school was trying to collect to mess with. The mall experience gave me flashbacks of going out with Caroline for the first time. It was cold, rainy and I didn't have either kid dressed warm enough and not five minutes after I got there, I was already scrambling to find a ladies room to nurse in. Why I didn't run into a dressing room, I don't know. Instead, I went into the JC Penney ladies room. Disapointed to find no sitting area, I was forced to drag the kids into the handicap stall, occupy Caroline with some yogurt raisins and sit on the floor next to the pee-sprayed toilet nursing my baby. This being my second time around, I have no excuse for not mapping out a better plan beforehand. And yes, Ellis threw up everything he drank all over me when he was finished.

Things are definitely a bit crazier with two. I actually have a deeper appreciation for both Caroline and Chris; Chris because of how much of a help he's been and Caroline because of the patience she's proven to have with me while I adjust to having a newborn again. In some ways, it is like riding a bike, but I still get a little frazzled trying to calm Ellis down in front of others and am totally scatterbrained when I have to think or do anything outside of taking care of my children. On a positive note, I am madly in love with the little guy already. I cannot stare at, hold or kiss him enough in any 24 hour period. Although Caroline has been an increasing challenge, the joy she brings me with the new things she does; songs she makes up, dances she does, new phrases she's picking up and her growing imagination, is enough to motivate me to be a better and more patient Mom with her every day.

I'm so glad Chris has changed to the four day work week. I don't feel so guilty spending a lot of time at home when we have three days with him home, to have plenty of family fun. I don't plan on spending the entire summer cooped up, but days like today, when it is 98 degrees out, there is no better place to be than in the air conditioned apartment and any place where I can't comfortably nurse at any given time is just not worth going right now. I have to say, I am really enjoying our little family of four.

Eleven Day Update

May 27, 2008

Ellis is eleven days old today and I'm just starting to feel like time is passing much too quickly. My body is already adjusted to waking every two and a half to three hours, Caroline barely notices when he cries anymore, and Chris has just five more days of the sixteen he had until he goes back to work. His time off has been great. From the second day we were home, we've been out and about having fun together. We started off just taking trips down the road to the McDonald's play place so Caroline could get her energy out, and we've since been to my Mom's, Gigi and Papa's, walking at the park, and even to the beach a couple of times. I can't believe June is just next week. I'm hoping to continue our regular fun outings when Chris goes back to work, even if it's just going to sit on a blanket at the park with some snacks and a ball to keep Caroline occupied, so we can all get some fresh air and enjoy the nice weather.

Ellis is doing great. He spends the majority of the days and nights sleeping, besides the many times he wakes up to nurse, but there's usually a good few hours of the morning when he's awake. With Chris home, I've been spending the majority of my time holding him and giving him as much attention as possible while Chris plays trucks with or helps with Caroline, which has been nice. Every night I've been going to bed around 8 or 8:30 to hold and stare at Ellis' little face or rub his back while he lays on my chest sleeping. I'm thinking when it's just me and the two kids and I'm unable to spend so much one on one time with the little guy, I'll keep our little nightly routine so we can be sure to get our bonding time in every day.

Birth Story #2

Well, he's here! Ellis Christopher Cole was born on May 16th at 8:50 pm. It took a little coaxing to get him here, but he seems pretty content with the outside world so far. Here's birth story #2:

I was scheduled to be induced on Friday, May 16th. I got the sense my midwife would have rather waited until Monday, giving the little guy a couple extra days to come on his own, but I had decided I'd been patient enough at that point. Having him on Friday seemed convenient for hospital visitors and would allow a couple extra days for Chris to spend with us in addition to his two-week paternity leave. We were "on call" on Friday, and were to wait for the hospital to tell us when to come in, which they informed us, would probably mean in the late afternoon. We all woke up and began our normal routine which included one last round of cleaning the apartment, and my phone rang around just before 10am. The hospital asked me if I had eaten breakfast, showered and could I be there in an hour? Having thought we would get the call around 2 or 3pm I started to feel frantic, but we called my Mom and Terrie to come and I quickly finished getting myself and Caroline ready for the day.

It was around 10:45 when neither Terrie or my Mom was here yet that I decided to drive myself to the hospital to get a head start on what I thought would be lots of paperwork and waiting. It felt a bit strange waddling myself into the hospital entrance from the farthest parking spot there could be, knowing I was about to give birth. I was right about the paperwork and waiting. By the time Chris arrived, we still had a half-hour or so more of waiting before the maid was finished cleaning the labor room they had open for my induction. It wasn't until about 1:30 that I was hooked up to any machines to give me the antibiotics needed for the group b strep and pitocin. My Mom arrived, Agnes, the midwife came in and after a couple of my body's natural contractions, I started to feel the regularly pattered ones come on. Agnes started the pitocin off slow for me, hoping to get the full 4 hours in of the antibiotics before delivery. I was hoping by 5:30 I would be close to 10cm dilated so I could have the baby with Agnes, the more experienced and momlike of the midwives. My Mom, Chris and I sat in the windowless labor room, talking and joking at first, having lunch, munchkins, and eventually just staring at each other as my contractions grew stronger. The hours passed as I sat on the exercise ball, getting unhooked from the machines every 20 minutes or so because each contraction gave me the urge to pee, and when Agnes came in to check me around 5:30 I was still only 6-7cm dilated. She decided to stop the pitocin at that point and see if my body would continue the work on it's own. Being free from the machines, I took a stroll around the birthing unit, stopping to see all the newborns in the nursery, but with my two-person entourage and increased pain with each contraction, I felt too much like a freak show to continue the walking. I got back to the ball in my room and pretended to read magazines until the pain became too unbearable to hide from Chris and my Mom. By 7pm, Agnes was replaced by Hope, who found I was only 1 more centimeter dilated and suggested breaking my water to move things along. I got scared at this point. Of course I wanted things to go quicker, but I did not recall contractions being this intense with Caroline and was afraid of them getting much stronger with no idea of how close I would be to the end. So I held off a bit longer, feeling the transition period come and go where I was afraid I'd be seeing my chicken sandwich again, before Hope came in to find my cervix had not progressed at all after an hour. Gripping the bed or anything else I could find for dear life with each contraction, I now felt ready to have my water broken and begin laboring as soon as possible. In between contractions I offered a few jokes, one of them asking for the epidural when I knew I was at least 9cm and when, to my surprise, the nurse and Hope looked at me and said "ok," I contemplated it, but did not want to slow things down. I tried different positions, standing, sitting on the bed, getting back on the ball, and fourty minutes later was in the most uncomfortable spot, sitting on the bed, but finally feeling the urge to push. My Mom came over to the bed and cradled my head and shoulders while I gave everything I had with each push. Hope kept working to stretch my cervix, which may have been the worst part of it all, but it wasn't 10 more minutes and after a lot of burning, I felt the relief of having the baby's head out. I kept expecting the rest of him to just slide out as I lay there, but I was forced to muster up one last burst of energy and push his shoulders out before he was placed up on my chest. I remember feeling guilty that I ignored the nurse and Hope who were encouraging me to look down and see the baby when he was both partially and fully out, but I simply did not have it in me to focus on anything other than pushing. Finally, with one last push he was out and after a few quick breaths of relief I looked down at my blue and tan baby boy who had the thickest little toes and fingers I'd ever seen on a newborn. I heard his gentle cry and as Chris' face came next to mine I actually said "I'm so glad that's over."

This birth was very different from my first one in a few ways. I'm not sure if it was the tub that eased some of the pain and made it hard for me to feel the urge to push with Caroline or if the intensity of it all was simply erased from my memory the seconds after seeing her tiny body floating in the water. I did not anticipate such strong, unbearable contractions this time around. If anything, I thought my body, having gone through it all before, would accept what was happening and give birth with ease. Secondly, it was strange being at the hospital before labor officially began. Though I spent only three hours getting from 7 to 10 centimeters dilated compared to the six hours my body spent dilating that far with Caroline, I felt as though I was not progressing nearly as fast as I should have been. Lastly, having expectations of how I would react to the pain this time made me feel self-conscious about how I was handling everything with my Mom and Chris as witnesses. I know that's silly, but I felt like my inability to not make a sound during the contractions and pushing was a sign of weakness for me. Thankfully, the recovery this time has been much quicker and besides a little leftover belly and cramping when I exert myself too much, I'm feeling back to my normal self already. Apparently the pain during this labor was rewarded with no hemoroids, sitz baths or cracked nipples, which I'm more than happy about.

I just spent the past three hours rocking Ellis in my arms, touching his nose and cheeks to mine, and kissing his forehead as he stare back up at me. He is nothing less than perfect. I know I felt the same about Caroline, and in fact, I still do, but I can't help but think that he is the most beautiful human being I've ever laid eyes on. I truly don't know how I produced such a beautiful baby. While I spent a good part of my pregnancy agonizing over how the baby's arrival was going to affect Caroline, my main concern now that he's here is making sure he feels how much love I have for him already. While he's in my arms, I stare at him, hoping that my brain will memorize every tiny detail of his beautiful face, so that when I close my eyes, I can invision him perfectly. It is so silly now thinking that I was worried about not being as excited or crazy about him as I was about Caroline. How blessed we are to have two incredible, healthy and beautiful children.

I've already noticed a few differences in Ellis from Caroline. It's hard not to compare everything between the two, but I'm so curious about his personality. The first couple days we never even heard him cry other than when he first came out. He seemed so relaxed. Of course, since my milk came in, we now hear him cry once in a while when he's hungry. He also seems to want to be held more than I remember Caroline caring if she were in our arms or in her swing. Ellis has also been accepting the pacifier a lot of the time, giving my nipples a break, which has been a huge relief for me.

I feel much more relaxed about everything this time around. I am able to listen to him cry for a few seconds without franticly running to get him. I've been more willing to try everything I can think of before nursing him if it hasn't been an hour and a half since the last feeding. Besides the diaper changing process, which is very different this time, but I'm finally getting the hang of, I have much more confidence in myself and I feel like I know what I'm doing. Caroline has been doing great, though Chris is still home and the adjustment period may come when he's no longer here to make up the difference in my attention. It's only been a week and already, I've taken them for a walk on my own, gone for a 15 minute trip to the store by myself without having pumped milk for Ellis, and spent a few hours at a time taking care of the two kids while Chris has been working or bringing his Mom to the airport. I'm feeling more confident than I thought I'd be handling two, especially only after one week! There's still plenty of time for me to be proven otherwise though.

When will he be here?

May 14, 2008

So I lost my plug nine days ago, I've been dilated to at least 3cm and 80% effaced for over a week, had plenty of cramps, contractions, bloody show, the midwives have both stretched my cervix and stripped my membranes, and still I'm sitting here eight days past my due date with no baby. On the bright side, I'm still feeling quite good, Caroline has been extra sweet this past week, and the weather has been nice. I've also come along way in the past few days in terms of being ready for the little guy. My moodiness has improved greatly from my last entry and after an ultrasound the other day where I got a glimpse of his plump cheeks and puckered lips, I can't wait to see the little guy's face in person and hold him in my arms for hours and hours.

I'm starting to feel like we're going through the house ordeal all over again because we've been talking about this baby's arrival to miss Caroline for so long and I'm sure she's starting to wonder if it's ever going to happen. She says things like "the baby's coming soon/today," which actually makes me wonder if she has a sixth sense and "I'm going to help feed the baby," but we'll see if she truly understands when he gets here. I'll be induced late on Friday if he still hasn't come by then, which is just two days away . I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, when the midwife mentioned inducing me Friday or waiting until Monday of next week, I didn't hesitate choosing Friday. I feel like I've been waiting for this new stage of my life to begin forever. On the other hand, I have a fear that being induced will give me an unatural experience of birth, which is opposite of what I had with Caroline and was so happy with. It could lead to me being stuck in bed, no option of using the tub for helping bear the pain of the contractions, and if things don't progress like they're supposed to, I could even end up having a c-section. Another downside is that instead of having a set time we'll go in on Friday and be able to plan our day out, we'll be on call all day, just waiting for the hospital to tell us when to come in. What a pain in the butt. Oh well. I know the end result will make all of these things not matter one bit. I am very happy to know I'll be seeing his face in just a couple of days at the most!