Accident or Fate?

I am a firm believer in utilizing my sense of practicality 99% of the time. It is the 1% of the time when I decide to disconcern myself with money, however, that I feel an exhilaration that adds so much happiness to my life. Here is just one of those instances:

By some small miracle, I found myself with fifteen minutes all to myself. My girlfriends and I were all heading to David’s Bridal for a little bridesmaid dress shopping for Andrea’s wedding and they called to say they were running a little late. To my delight, I noticed the mall was on my right hand side and I could hear it bellowing out my name. My mind raced with the possibilities of what I could accomplish in my new found free time. Already missing my sweet pea, I decided shopping for a few accessories to compliment her Easter outfit would be fun.

I sprinted into the mall, and headed for the first children’s store I saw. The saleswoman informed me that all of the Easter clothing had just been marked down and I scanned each rack, sure that the stars were aligned in the sky. My intentions were only to purchase a little white sweater and shoes to go along with the blue flowered dress I’d received at my baby shower, but low and behold, the most adorable outfit hung in front of me. It was a pale pink linen tank, with a scalloped hem, a few delicately embroidered flowers, and pants to match. It was the kind of outfit you envision your baby girl to be wearing, while you’re still pregnant dreaming about what she will look like. The problem for me was that my baby girl’s appearance was no longer a mystery to me. I knew just how beautiful Caroline would look in such a soft, elegant outfit. Of course, I didn’t realize there was a problem at all until I was at the counter and the outfit, along with the hat, the sweater, the shoes and socks to go along with it were all bagged and the woman announced what the total price came to. I almost threw up hearing that it would cost me one-hundred and three dollars and ninety cents!

I realize the ridiculousness of caring what a stranger, whom you may never see again in your life thinks of you, however, I just couldn’t bring myself to stop the transaction at that point and leave the store empty handed. I went on with my night, feeling ulcers building in my stomach as the price voiced itself repeatedly in my head. I quickly came to the conclusion that I would just have to make the trip to the store closer to my house and return everything the next day.

It is situations like this, when I contemplate whether or not there is a more powerful force watching over me and guiding me through life. I went to bed that night, imagining the insane possibility of keeping the outfit. The vision of Caroline’s little face poking out from under the hat, her blue eyes brilliant against the pale colors, appeared in my dreams and I imagined the reactions of each of my family members seeing Caroline all dressed up in an outfit that was far from the unisex clothing I typically dress her in. I resist spending more than twenty-five dollars on any single item for myself, never mind for something that is ten times smaller in size. But as time passed and the sun came up, and it became harder to imagine myself returning the outfit. The vision in my head of Caroline dressed up would not fade and I realized that I needed to let myself splurge on my daughter, for once.

Doing what is so out of my character feels like the right thing to do this time. I’m certain there will be a major catastrophe (i.e. a diaper explosion or chocolate marked kisses from her little cousins), that could ruin the outfit two minutes after she’s all dressed, but I couldn’t care less. This could be my only daughter, and just the excitement of dressing her up for the first time is worth every penny spent. My grandmother, who taught me all about the art of selective splurging, would be proud of me.

Goal Weight Achieved!

Today marks a very important milestone…after five challenging postpartum months of diet and exercise I have finally reached my goal weight! I feel great. Of course I’m not fully satisfied as those stubborn love handles still stare back at me in a mocking way when I look in the mirror, but getting to my goal weight is a good start. I should note that I expected to be at this stage after just three months, however, my on again off again diet and exercise routine is to blame.

The most exciting part is that I am now mentally ready to try on my old clothes and perhaps even do a little spring shopping for myself. I am not expecting to be back to a size 2 or even a 4, since my body has evolved into a different being over the past 15 months, but I am expecting to start wearing items that aren’t made with drawstrings or spandex. My first line of duty will be to purchase a bra that not only fits correctly now that there’s milk production going on to help fill my girls out, but also helps me feel like a hot mama as my trusty sports bras just don’t cut it. I’ve got to take advantage of the good things that go along with breastfeeding while I can, right?

The Ups & Downs

Chris & I woke up today to the sound of a little voice repetitively calling us across the hall. I opened my eyes and smiled and could see that Chris was doing the same. There’s just no better way to start the day. It’s the little things Caroline does, or the way she feels when I snuggle up with her, or sometimes just realizing that she’s ours, that makes life so unbelievably good. I find myself getting this rush of happiness that consumes me so many days. As a wise man once said, however, what comes up must come down. Luckily, the short time I spend being down is no match for how insanely good it feels to be up.

I’m not sure if my mood swings are an after effect of giving birth or if what I am experiencing are the ups and downs that are a normal and unavoidable part of life. Perhaps I expected my stay at home life to be like it was before the baby, minus the stress, minus the angry customers and constant deadlines, minus running around like a crazy woman most days, allowing my state of mind to remain at the peak of happiness it typically resides. But I do get down some days. It can get lonely, some days are monotonous, and when I do venture out I am often reminded of how inconsiderate people can be. It is also very easy to get caught up in little things. My world revolves around Caroline, and that’s how I want it to be. I have to be careful, though, because it is so easy to go from working towards something, like setting Caroline’s eating and sleeping schedule, to obsessing over it and in the midst of it all, forgetting about my own needs. When that happens there is no where to go but down.

Having a baby teaches you that you can’t always be in control. From the moment I realized that and started to be a more relaxed Mom, Caroline’s schedule seems to have improved on its own. And now that I am aware of just how horrible I feel if I don’t take the time for myself each day to work out or break the routine and do something new once in a while, I make certain and do these things for my own well being. I believe that a happy Mom makes a happy baby.